— Leeds & York NHS PFT (@LeedsandYorkPFT) October 7, 2016
So, I’m basically coming back from the abyss, and as the sunlight hits my skin and I claw what’s left of me out of the black hole that I disappeared into God only knows how long ago, this old post was amongst my life’s debris. A mountain of post Depression loose ends and missed this’s and that’s through which I once again find myself sifting is where I came across this old post of mine and I felt like sending it out again. I know somebody needs to see it.
Never put yourself down. There are enough people who will do that for you.
– Advice from a friend
Remain mindful of your thoughts. Stomp out thoughts of negative self-talk without question. All lies, those thoughts are not your own, don’t let them become your own. Illusory echoes, the last desperate trace of the voices of those whose own self-talk spills unto others. In others they see only what they hate about themselves.
Only thoughts that are full of love and gentleness toward yourself are the truth, the rest are lies. Pity those who spill their own self-hate (knowingly or not, because anyone who loves themselves isn’t capable of hating others, it’s a side effect and it is how you can tell who is truly happy with themselves) and call out every single negative thought as a lie. Expose it, refuse it, and claim the truth on top of it.
The truth is that you are loved. Please love yourself. Be patient with yourself, and towards your precious self be merciful, forgiving, loving and kind. You are precious, and you need to take care of you.
There are enough people salivating at the opportunity to beat you up, to hurt you, to take from you. Do NOT do it for them. Protect your ‘self’ and love your ‘self.
This is the most personal post I have written. It may sound sappy to some. I hope not, because I am putting myself out there right now. I’m hoping somebody will connect.
Beautiful isn’t pretty.
I don’t usually share this part of my life with anyone, well, ever. It is about addiction. This time I will because it is the only way I know how to share what followed. It took a long time and it is only by chance (or was it?) that I was given a glimpse of such beautiful ugly. I hope it will be for someone out there.
This is an incredibly insightful post about how profoundly our interactions with others are interpreted through our own perceptions. We can never escape completely our perceptions because they are a product of everything that has ever happened to us.
“My own experience in counselling has helped me to understand just how influenced our perception is by things of which we are often unaware: traumatic events from the past, ideas about the world formulated in childhood, issues of one kind or another which we carry around as our personal set of “baggage.” And by strong emotions, like love, or fear.”
A very thoughtful post.
I am Amy and I was diagnosed about 7 years ago with Bipolar Disorder. I haven’t shared it with many people. Recently it seems that I am hearing about mental health and mental illness everywhere. I have been afraid for employers, friends and family to find out. I imagined their impression of me would change immediately. I am doing well at the moment. It really is an intense illness, and many people suffer horribly. Then there is the shame because of the stigma associated with people diagnosed with severe mental illnesses. I am blogging as an outlet to clear my mind, as well as to be another voice speaking openly about my illness. I will provide information and support for those with mental health issues as well. (Not there yet). I am hoping to learn valuable tools and tips that I won’t get fumbling along alone, as well as to connect with the community.
It is difficult to live with Bipolar Disorder. It has taken many years since my diagnosis to find the proper medical care, treatment and medication to finally get a handle on it. At least I can now recognize and manage what I see happening, unlike never knowing what is going on with me, living an unmedicated nightmare. However, I have come to see Bipolar as an opportunity to gain wisdom and perspective. This, at a cost of course.
While Bipolar Disorder presents unique challenges and difficulties because of the extremes of emotions experienced. On the other hand, by allowing us to experience extreme depth and hight of human emotion with an intensity that, if one can make it through and learn to embrace the ride, provides us with a unique and profound perspective. I don’t say “if one can make it through and learn to embrace the ride” lightly. Many make it through, but get stuck in an incessant loop of hopeless depression to frantic mania never seeming to find that middle ground for long. Never stopping to look around, look from where they’ve come and appreciate the shift, to contemplate and use the experience.
I believe that this thing, brain disorder, mental illness, whatever it will be called, is not for the faint of heart. It is a bitter-sweet gift. It is a tragic path to wisdom if we keep our eyes open and our heads up (when we can). Through understanding there is nobody that we can’t help through a difficult time, because we have been to the depths. While mania is considered to be a negative symptom, we experience feelings and emotions, even ecstasy that we could never otherwise have experienced. I understand that these “gifts” come at a cost; Wisdom is gained through suffering…perspective through experience. If we keep our eyes open we will recognise how profound what we have just suffered while in a depression was, and be grateful for the shift. When we are feeling good, or great, or on that fine line between happy and hypo-manic, we should open our eyes and be grateful for what our suffering has led us to understand. With experience we will learn to recognize the fine lines between tired and depressed, happy and hypo, sad and sick…
It is the fine line between happiness and illness that I have found to be one of the most difficult challenges. It can seem to ruin happiness. Never being sure if it is true happiness or the illness. Having to monitor yourself once you feel good in case you start to feel too good and then have to adjust medication to take away your long lost joy. With experience, though, true joy and happiness become more apparent, and it will not be so difficult to decipher what side of that fine line we are on. As I get older and the longer I have
this illness the more clearly I understand what true happiness feels like, and the larger the distinction between healthy happiness and illness has become.
Happiness is pure. It is contentment itself, depending on nothing for its existence. Happiness is calm. Feeling happy does not have to equal (and usually doesn’t) fast, frantic and energetic all the time. Happiness is peace with just being. That is how I know the true happy moments. When happy, I do not have the urge or feel a pressure to do anything in particular. I just am. When I can feel well while simply being, then I know that I am on that beautiful side of the fine line.
The longer I have this illness, the more I feel a sort of deranged gratitude for the experiences that have allowed me to gain a unique perspective. I have experienced human emotion above and below what seemed survivable. There is a beauty and a wisdom that comes from surviving anguish and pain. Wisdom is a gift. I greatly value what I have learned and how living with Bipolar has shaped me. At times I might have said otherwise, but when I am healthy, I would never give up what I have gained through living with Bipolar, it is worth it. Would you?